Joke/Story of the Day

Feel free to post what I am calling joke of the day. these are those funny jokes and stories that are not in a video or picture of sorts.

I'll Start it off.

An English Ventriloquist

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English bastard.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Taff: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Taff: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Taff: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a F****ng liar !!!'

This weeks star prize - Blonde Joke


> > PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
> >AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
> >
> >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
> >
> >SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT
> >SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
> >
> >THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO
> >AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> >
> >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
> >CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT
> >BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
> >
> >THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
> >SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER
> >SEAT.
> >
> >THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO
> >AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> >
> >THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
> >WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN
> >TO REASON.
> >
> >THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M
> >MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
> >
> >HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
> >"OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
> >
> >THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE
> >SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
> >
> >"I TOLD HER,
> >"FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".
>

BEST USMC STORY.......SEMPER FI

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife..


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

Maybe Monty Python should have done this scene:



Man enters an automotive store to buy tires.

Assistant: Good day. Can I help you?
Man: Yes: I'd like to enter into a lucky dip for a set of tires.
Assistant: A lucky dip? We don't have a lucky dip.
Man: Yes, but I want to enter one anyway, in a hope to get the tires I want.
Assistant: And does Sir know which tires he wants?
Man: Indeed I do and I have saved a lot of money just in case I don't get the tires I want on the first try.
Assistant: I see. And how, exactly, would this lucky dip work?
Man: Well I'm not too sure really. Erm. How about you put the names of some tires on folded slips of paper and put them in a hat? You could even throw in some completely unrelated and unwanted car parts for good measure.
Assistant: Sir, we are very busy preparing for a stock take and as while it is a tempting proposition where I can sell you a lot of unwanted goods, wouldn't you rather we just sold you the tires you wanted? I feel we would be here all day otherwise and I wouldn't be able to help our other customers. (Assistant points to now growing queue behind the man).
Customer in queue: Could you please hurry up? I'm on my lunch hour.
Man: No. I want a lucky dip. That's how I do it online and that's how I want to conduct all of my automotive transactions from now on.
Assistant: Are you mad? Are you stark raving bonkers? Have you gone bananas?
Man: You can't say bananas.
Assistant: Why on Earth not? You just did.
Man: No I didn't.
Assistant: Yes you did. I heard you as plain as day.
Customer in queue: I heard him too (whispers to other customer: I won't have time for lunch now. I wish I had a banana)
Assistant: Look Sir. Just tell me what tires you need and I shall offer them up for purchase with no element of chance involved. It's either that or I shall have to ask you to leave.
Man: Oh! If you insist! I need some Pirelli P6 175/65R14's
Assistant: Unfortunately we are all out of those. Good Day sir. Next!

DogManDan wrote:BEST USMC STORY.......SEMPER FI

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife..

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't @#!*% with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

I don't know why I just saw this but that's a Marine pilot for ya. lol.